Today has not been a good day...

I will start by saying sorry, this post may not appear to be very positive, but I figured you guys would understand, right?

It has been a typical Wednesday for me, just work - nothing exciting. I am heading over to my Mother in Laws for my tea though - yum :-) I just could not shake this feeling off today, the feeling of sadness and it has been so annoying! To those I have seen today, they would not have a clue, no idea what battle my head has been in today, constantly thinking and worrying. I wonder if I will ovulate soon? What if I don't ovulate this month? I hope I feel more positive soon. Why does it seem to happen so easily for others and not for us? Will I ever be a Mum?

All of the above thoughts are completely irrational, totally random and incredibly irritating!! Why can't I just switch it off and just be at peace with what I have right now, rather than so upset about what I don't have? I mean, I am so lucky and I probably don't realise it enough. I have a lovely home, a wonderful Husband who I love very much, that supports me through everything, he is my rock. I have two lovely kitty cats that I adore, a good job, great friends. What more could I want?...

...A baby! That is exactly what I want, and it is all I want in this world, to be a Mum, make my Husband a Dad and have a child. Is that so much to ask for? Apparently so!!

(See what I mean about the negativity??)

I do remain hopeful that it will happen one day, and everyone always tells me that it will happen when the time is right, but I just want that day to be now! There is so much biology that goes into making a life, I know that, but what can be so easy for one woman, can be the hardest journey of another woman's life.

Now are any of my readers in the same boat? Are you struggling to conceive too? I have a question for you, do you feel as though you are less of a woman? Today, that is how I feel. I am so frustrated that I cannot provide the one thing a woman should be able to! I know this mood will pass, hopefully! But I just feel so angry today, I need to vent my anger out!! Like I have said before, this 'writing a blog thing' it really feels like therapy!

Me and Mr B have made a decision, if we have not conceived our rainbow baby, by January 2018 - we will be going to the Doctors to see if they can do anything to help. This is something I did want to avoid in the beginning, but sometimes I guess you just have to accept that you need help with somethings, right? It was a hard pill for me to swallow (excuse the pun!) but maybe it will be the only way we have a baby.

I wanted to write this blog to share my story, this is a bump in the road, days like today used to be my life. I would wake up in the morning and feel like this until I went to bed, it was a really dark place. I was so incredibly obsessive. Ovulation tests or otherwise known as OPKs – who even invented these stupid things? I can’t tell you how much money I have wasted on buying packets of 100 from Amazon. Firstly, DO NOT USE THESE if you have PCOS. Generally, if you have PCOS you have an increased amount of LH in your body, this hormone is what is being tested when you use an OPK, so if you have PCOS and you have more LH than you should (like me) you will test positive on an OPK, think you are ovulating, then 14 days later when you are late, be over joyed because you ‘must’ be pregnant, but you never actually ovulated! Seriously, my biggest piece of advice, stay away from these tests. I would be so obsessed with testing and seeing if the line is darker than the day / hour / minute before! Trying for our first baby, has tested our relationship and pushed it to the limit on so many occasions. It has been so difficult and honestly, could have gone either way at one point. It is so important to remember WHY you want to have a baby and that you and your partner are doing this together, it is not just you that can’t get pregnant. Mr B will tell you all about it, I am sure, he has promised to do regular posts and share his feelings and his side of the story.

But anyway, tomorrow is another day, one day closer to the positive test with any luck. I hope this post hasn't impacted on anyone else's mood, please take away the positives from this - one bad mood, a small blip will disappear. We will do this, we will do it together.

Keep your eyes pealed for Friday's post, straight from Mr B! Back by popular demand, it seems! I loved reading his post though, amazing to see it from his point of view, no beating around the bush with him!!!

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Lots of Love and Baby Dust,

Mrs B x